I Heard Ya'll Broke Up

Well friend you’re in luck. Guessing your taste hasn’t changed 

you’ll be able to find someone better or in this case loser-ier.

Torn Black Lace Panties

Wow, rough.

That last trip through the washer.

...Then the Tractor Drove Over the Horse Pile

I’m the tractor and you’re the horse pile.

What? Excuse me, I don’t speak douche-bag.

Moocher Wants to Borrow Some Money?

No. The money that I make doesn’t

get spent on loser boyfriends and cigarettes.

Bounced Check At A Restaurant

Was the Patty Melt worth it?

Hopefully you left a tip.

Last Will and Testament of a Girl Who Couldn’t Tell People Off

Tell him he is a big eared, two-faced, hypocritical,

                        chew-spitting, praying-mantis legged, Morgan-swilling,

                        oh-look-at-me-I-can-spell-anything, Bible-quoter.

Tell her she is a man-leaving, house-jumping

                        lice-infested, booger-eatin’

                        member of a donkey show.

                        Tell him he is a monkey-licking

                        ass-sniffing, slime on a frogs nuts,

                        piece of doody from a bubonic infected rat.

                        Tell her she is a sallow-faced

                        whiney-hinied, pitiful, man-trapping

                        hornets’ nest-haired hussy.

           

                        Tell him he is a dream catcher tattooed,

                        old-man voiced, chain-smoking

                        loud-mouthed, manpri-wearing, tool box.

                       

                        Tell her she is a Venus fly trap, man-eating,

                        venomous tramp, wind-tunneled, black-holed,

                        bleach-blonde, with the mental capacity of a dead ant.

                        Tell him he is a freakishly tall, grubby doofus,

                        backwards-hat wearing, imbecilic, manipulating,

                        giraffe-necked, bumpy-headed, smelly liar-pants.

                        Tell her she is an ungrateful, over-privileged,

                        gambling addicted, champagne drinking, one-week

outfit wearing, squawking, daughter of a crap weasel.